Advice to My Younger Self

Or, "Why does she never listen to me?"

Me, on my 18th b-day (eyes closed, of course, since no digital preview). The best part is all the crap in the background. There are blank, writable CDs to my left.

I wrote this post last Friday, pre-high school reunion trip, but didn’t have time to clean it up enough to publish it. Now that I’m back from Dallas and have gotten in touch with my 18-year-old self, look for a follow-up piece soon. It’s a mess right now, complete with an interruptive rant in which I got angry about an unrelated topic and let it explode all over the page. ‘Can’t decide whether to leave that in for authenticity’s sake or take it out for coherence. We shall see.

Anywho, here’s what was on my mind as I prepped to see people I hadn’t laid eyes on in 30 years…

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This weekend, I’m tripping to Dallas for my 30th high school reunion, and it’s expectedly prompted reflection and nostalgia over the past couple of weeks. I think about the girl-woman of my late teens and early twenties…Wow, she was full of piss and vinegar and a torrent of emotions she often kept locked up. She was simultaneously sure of herself in a narrow way and very insecure when life strayed outside of that narrowness.

I did a lot of smart things back then; a lot of silly, fun things; and quite a few stupid, short-sighted things, some of which hurt other people in addition to myself. It was the best of times and the worst of times, and all that.

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If I could travel back and give my younger self some advice, pop into her sea-green bedroom as an apparition in the middle of the night and somehow convince her I was her from the future (a tall order, given I was even more skeptical then than now), this is what I would say:

1. Don’t be in such a rush. You are seventeen years old, and you have a LOT of time to explore yourself, the world and other people. You don’t have to force things.

2. Spend some time unattached to a boyfriend. Reflect, get some clarity on who you are and what you want in life before you fall headlong into someone else’s again. Seriously. The boys aren’t going anywhere; they’ll be there when you get back.

3. Pay more attention to your feelings. Pay more attention to your friends’ and family’s feelings. You don’t have to decide anything about them or fix them, just notice. Acknowledge them.

4. Stop judging yourself so harshly. It’s what’s holding you back from feeling satisfied with your life. Make your choices. Own them. Don’t let anyone, including your inner voice, inject manufactured morality into them.

5. Relax and be yourself. Let that whole self out in the world. That’s how you find your people. It’s okay if some people don’t get you.

I would tell her these things in an earnest, almost pleading manner, and she would sit on the striped comforter stretched across the mattress and box springs resting on the floor, cross-legged, looking at me intently and listening.

Then, she would snort and scoff, plop over on her side, pull the covers up and go back to sleep. She doesn’t need my advice, or anyone’s, or even her own. SHE knows what she’s doing, and I don’t know her or what I’m talking about. I could not possibly conceive of the complexities she faces, and milquetoast advice like “Be yourself,” is no help. Jeezus christ, my adult self is a middle-aged version of Barney, she would think as she drifted off to sleep, already convinced I was an absurd dream.

I would shrug defeatedly and begin to shimmer and dissolve as I returned to my own time with kids and jobs and writing projects waiting for me. I tried, but I really didn’t expect anything else. After all, I kinda know her.

She’s just going to have to learn all that stuff on her own.