Ah, the Simple Life

Or, I've been doing a lot of nothing and trying to be okay with it.

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

If I’m not careful, this will become a bi-weekly newsletter (as in once every two weeks, not twice a week.) I’ve missed some Fridays recently. Sure, some logistical scheduling stuff got in the way, but the larger picture is I’m on the denouement end of recalibrating my life to a degree.

For years, I’ve wanted it to be simpler.

Finally, I’ve managed to get my priorities straight and make it so. Instead of cobbling together a freelance career and part-time contract jobs, I now have one, consolidated full-time gig. I’ve stopped paying homage to the idea that freelancing is romantic and owned the fact that I really don’t like it that much.

Underappreciated Dazed and Confused clip relevant to not liking the thing you think you’re supposed to like:

“I realized I just don't want to do it. It sounds good, but I just have to confront the fact that I don't like the people I've been talking about helping out.”

I’ve also stopped feeling obligated to volunteer for every school thing that shows up in my inbox.

Now, I have three major buckets:

Family, work and creative writing without too many side things crowding in on them, prompting me to feel like I’m not doing any of it well. This is good. This is what I have always needed since I was a little kid — an uncrowded life. I am not my oldest child; I do not thrive on a cram-packed schedule. I need unscheduled time.

I had this idea that once I got here, to this place where I had more space in my life, I would be a creative writing fiend. The motivation would pour forth, and I would become prolific. That hasn’t happened in the two weeks I’ve been fully freed of freelance obligations. Maybe because, hell, I need some breathing room first.

Tell you what; let’s make a list.

Then we’ll talk about breathing room. These are the things I’ve learned about simplifying life. These are not a recipe for happiness but just a few offered ideas that worked for my situation that you could try. If you want to. No pressure.

1. Don’t give in to “should,” as in, I should volunteer for the school carnival because they’re really desperate or I should create my friend’s baking website for them because I can, they need it, and even though my schedule is full and website creation isn’t my thing, I can do it.

2. Prioritize. I’ve got those three categories — family, work, writing — that I have to remind myself I attend to first. There are things that support my mental health like exercise and getting coffee with friends, but those are second-tier priorities because I don’t feel good about myself when I let the big three things slide. This helps me make decisions more easily. It’s why, after a stressful day last Friday in which I had yet to exercise, I decided to go have pizza with Jason and the kids instead of staying home to sweat by myself in front of a workout video.

3. Get perspective on parenting. It’s so easy to feel guilty about not giving your kids EVERYTHING — all of your time, money and attention. So I asked myself: What do I really think is important about parenting my particular kids? Not “What do the experts say,” or “What do my neighbors do.” My answer: be there for them physically and emotionally. For me, it’s important to be there most of the time when they come home from school. It’s important to be able to say “Sure!” when my 12-year-old asks if I want to play Scrabble. I want to have the time and energy to take a genuine interest in how they feel, in their activities, and to be open to whatever they have to say (and also to respect it when they don’t want to talk about it, hard as that is for me sometimes.) What’s not in there: being PTA secretary and spending hours at school or going to EVERY single soccer game (though I go to most).

4. Don’t necessarily go with the first instinct. So many times, someone has asked, “Do you want to go for a walk/get coffee on Wednesday?” Since adult free-time chatting is hard to find these days, I always want to. Only the day of do I realize I have eight other things on my calendar. So, just because, in a vacuum, it sounds like a great idea, doesn’t mean it’s in my best interest based on the rest of the day or week. I benefit from taking a broader view of what I might need when the event actually gets here.

5. Have CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (just an opportunity to quote Mad-Eye Moody) Now that I’ve, gotten my life in balance, it requires protection. I feel much less stressed now, so it would be easy to let my guard down and say “Sure, I’ll edit your e-book!” “Yes, I’ll be the team manager!” “LET’S GET A DOG!!” and then be right back where I started with too many disparate things demanding my attention. Just because I CAN fit it in, doesn’t mean I should because point six is…

6. Respect time to do nothing. I thrive when I have time to stare out the window or at the ceiling and let my mind wander. Completely apart from the fact that it is good for my writing, it is also just good. for. me. And that is enough reason to do something. Sometimes I watch the birds on the feeder, sometimes I write things in my head that will never make it to paper, sometimes I contemplate human existence and sometimes I simply take deep breaths and wonder, what next?

7. Embrace inefficiency. Sticky Notes. I love the colors, the various sizes, and how easy it is to stick them wherever I want. I stopped trying to change a system that works for me just because I’ve been told there are better options out there. I leave myself practical notes, like “Water grass,” that get thrown away seven hours later and enduring reminders that hang from my monitor like “Err on the side of mindful connection:” A nudge to myself to reach out to people in small ways when I get the urge instead of over-thinking myself out of it. I tried digital stickies and they are just not the same.

What it boils down to is…

…looking inside myself to sift out what’s important to me, independent of the messages from books/tv/social media/culture/other people in general. Then, I can confidently craft my life to center those things, so I feel more satisfied with my life and much less annoyed at all the things I obligated myself to do but then don’t want to actually do.

Caveat: This process did not fix everything. I still struggle with some decision-making. I still worry if I’m giving my kids what they need and wonder if I’m being the spouse Jason needs. I am still yet to understand the “verticals” of my new company, and I still often think I am a disciplineless writer. I am still in the throes of perimenopause. (Why is it so HOT in here?)

But all of those things seem more manageable now that I’m not being pulled in fifty different directions.

Back to downtime:

This recalibration did not instantly make me into a prolific writing genius. But maybe I should cut myself some slack, give myself some rest-on-my-laurels time and try to stop feeling guilty for the “nothing” I’ve done every day to some degree the past couple of weeks. The nothing that is playing all the word games on my phone, scrolling through Instagram funnies, sitting with Jack as he waits for his ride to soccer practice even though he’s on his phone and not talking to me, watching sitcoms reruns I’ve seen so many times I can quote along, or staring at the ceiling fan as it goes around and around.

It is okay to do nothing. As long as I don’t let the nothing become reactionary, as in when I start feeling petulant about it: I don’t waaant to get off the couch; you can’t make me. Or get complacent about it. If I pay attention to my inner self and the world around me, I will know when it is time to write again, even if I still feel a little resistant to it. I will do it when I’m good and ready.