This is What Happens When My Brain Falls Out

I was all set to do this awesome post on DIY life and how enriching it can be to do projects with family and friends. I was going to write about my cousin’s wedding and how we all helped decorate the venue. About helping Jason with his woodworking, about cleaning a bathroom with my youngest. About how the combination of cooperation and togetherness along with pride in a job well done and ownership of the project coalesce into something so satisfying. I was going to…then I found this game called BitLife.

This is a time suck game for those of us who DON’T EVEN LIKE GAMES!

The kids were playing it in the car on the way to soccer. I’m not into video games, with the exception of NYT Spelling Bee. I tried Minecraft one time but couldn’t find any of the other players. Apparently, my lack of sense of direction extends to digital environs. But this life simulation game sounded hilarious. The kids were shouting updates back and forth to each other in the back seat:

“My smarts are at 98 percent, but my happiness won’t go above 20 percent.”

“My dog died.”

“I got arrested for defacing public property.”

“I dropped out of school, so I can’t get a job. Guess I’ll go into the military.”

“I have a bachelor’s degree in communications, but I can’t get a job.”

“I don’t have enough money to hire a lawyer, so I went to jail.”

“Oh no! I’m depressed again!”

“If you wanna be a girl, just click ‘change genders.’”

It sounded like Oregon Trail but urban and progressive — more gender identity discussions and less dysentery.

Did anyone ever NOT die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail?

Now, I’m sitting in my minivan with the windows down and my left foot propped on the sill, the shouts of soccer practice echoing across the field. And I’m a 26-year-old dude named Avinash Kahn. I just got out of prison and had to donate my father’s body to science because I couldn’t afford to bury him. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, I read A Brief History of Time in 45 seconds (you just have to tap the pages) and my mother’s been diagnosed with diarrhea (so much for no dysentery). I have a degree in communications.

Awesome book. Stephen Hawking is brilliant, a good writer and also a little funny.

Aside from the proliferation of ads for social apps, it’s kinda fun, even though my happiness is at four percent right now. According to his other stats, Avinash is reasonably healthy and smart at this point (He wasn’t born real bright, but he learns.) and a nice-looking dude. Maybe his stint in the joint for hot-boxing an elevator and his father’s untimely death have him down. Or maybe it’s that he’s underemployed as a freelance tutor and has $84 in his bank account…

Oh, shit. A just turned 27 and the drive shaft broke on his Volvo. The repairs cost $491. My choices are “repair it” or “I might fix it later.” There’s also a “surprise me” option. Is that for those of us who like to put decisions off and let them make themselves?

Okay, so this game is silly, but it does have that, “Surprise! Something expensive broke!” element to it just like real life. People also randomly decide to befriend you or make you their enemy. You don’t get to pick who does it, but you get to choose how you respond — decidedly lifelike.

Hold on a sec. I’ll be right back…

Still with me? Good. I left my headlights on during Avinash’s first hour of life, so my car battery died (my actual minivan, not A’s Volvo). I had to drag a woman I didn’t know out of her car to help me jump it. And she was on crutches, so I kinda felt like an asshole. But she was really nice, even when I got the clamps crossed on her brand new BMW and it started sparking. Somewhere in the process of running back and forth between two cars, I stood in a pile of ants and now my feet are all red and itchy. I gotta get these kids home.

While I drive home in the dark through eighteen miles of orange cones and construction with sweaty 11-year-olds yelling in the back seat, you can marvel at my top Spelling Bee score:

Yes, I screen-shotted it and will never ever delete it.

Back in a bit…

I must confess, I became obsessed with Avinash’s life after the kids went to bed last night. He finally got a job at a publishing house, worked really hard and became a famous author. He also came out as gay.

When I decided to have him propose to his boyfriend, a message popped up saying we couldn’t get married in India because same sex marriage is illegal there, so we immigrated to the UK, had a lovely wedding and bought a huge ranch house. Avinash wrote more books and made millions.

Then, at 98 years of age, retired and still in prime health except for a little arthritis and erectile dysfunction, ol’ A came upon a knife fight one evening and tried to break it up, which is when he got stabbed to death. Honestly, it sounds like a pretty awesome way to go — very old, still active and trying to do something good.

I don’t have a point here — just that I get distracted from my intentions by digital fodder like everyone else. Reading this post, you’re probably like, “Dude, you get distracted by LOTS of things.” But be cool, okay? I’m having a weird week.

I could say I played BitLife to make sure it was appropriate for my 11-year-old, but who are we kidding? I wanted the chance to be Avinash, the famous author living in the UK, and see what would happen. Escape my life and live in his for a while, even if at times, they weren’t that different.

In BitLife, you can start over as many times as you like and come back as different people, which may or may not be accurate in our actual world.

I like to live life like it isn’t, though — like this one time is all we get, because maybe it is. Ironically, that’s why I spent over a full day playing an app full of super annoying ads.

(But first I had to delete a bunch of videos because I didn’t have enough storage left on my phone to download the game, and that sucked me into watching old clips of my kids from two years ago when they were still baby children and not the proto-adults they are now. Spell check says “proto-adult” is not a word, but screw spell check; I am a master of language. I make my own words. And just like that we have a full paragraph parenthetical. This is not good writing. Did I mention I’ve been distractible this week?)

I spend time outside gardening and hiking and a LOT of time reading good books and writing what I want to write. I spend time with my family. But sometimes, you want to zone out and be Avinash for a while. Sometimes, that doesn’t feel like a waste of time so much as a relief to do something that’s sole purpose is fun.

Thanks for going on this disorganized journey with me that started on a Thursday night at soccer practice, then, a lifetime later, ended on a Friday afternoon at my home desk. May your weekend be full of fun things. RIP, Avinash Kahn.

Holy shit! I just noticed there’s an “Undo Death Time Machine” button. Uh oh…