Your Annoyance Doesn't Need Tea
And by "your" I mean "my"
I feel just fine today. After all, it’s Friday. But I wrote this yesterday, when I was feeling inexplicably irritated…
Today, I am annoyed.
Just a little. I woke up this way. I didn’t notice it until I had a full cup of coffee in my hand, and all the little household noises started to bother me. Sounds to which I normally am indifferent or even find endearing:
cat meows
soccer ball thunking against the couch
pouring cereal
lawn mower growling outside
Just the average sounds that happen every one of my mornings. Today, for some reason, I feel something clench inside me, just slightly, at those sounds. That’s interesting, I thought. And then I overanalyzed it:
Maybe it’s because I drank a third cup of coffee yesterday. Or it’s hormones. Am I off on taking my testosterone creme? Maybe it’s all those wild dreams I had last night or allergies. I’m a little stuffed up. Or I’m just tired of the school year and ready for a break or feeling scattered about the list of stuff I have to do — one of those lists where nothing seems more important than the other and I don’t know where to start. Maybe I should eat more fiber today, maybe that’s the problem…
STOP.
This isn’t really helpful.
It’s part of my tendency to solve problems, which is a useful skill, but I sometimes (often) over-apply that skill. I could be a little on overdrive this morning because…
My problem-solving skills failed me yesterday.
I spent hours trying to upload my book cover to IngramSpark and thwart the error messages about file size and color profiles I couldn’t seem to escape. I did all the things — tried a different browser, tried a better computer, downloaded the file sixteen different ways, got a free trial of Adobe Acrobat Pro to mess with it. In the end I admitted defeat and submitted it with the error messages. We’ll see what happens.
Then, I turned my attention to updating a webpage for work — something I enjoy doing because that kind of light coding is rewarding. I write a bunch of gobbledygook on the back end and it makes an organized, eye-pleasing page on the front end. It seemed like it would be a break from my frustrations. Except I couldn’t get the tables to line up right.
Problem solving skills thwarted again, eyes grainy and strained from so much screen time, I finally gave up, shut the laptop, and went to lie down.
Later, after middle school soccer game, as the sun was setting, we stopped at a sandwich shop for dinner. When we were done eating, with my family waiting on me, I stuffed my cardboard salad bowl into the too-small trash hole by separating it from its lid and folding it. “Good problem solving, Mom,” the oldest teased. It felt like my biggest concrete accomplishment of the day.
Back to now. I am annoyed.
Maybe it is because yesterday, I made a hand-written list of things to do this week. That’s what I do when I feel scattered. I need the reassurance of applying ink to paper, and seeing that list sitting there, on my desk, in analog form, so I know I won’t forget. And then, not for lack of trying, I accomplished none of those things.
I am over-analyzing yet again.
Right now, I am sitting in my backyard trying to appreciate the greenery and birdsong like I usually do. But that is muted by the mosquitoes buzzing around my keyboard and taking stabs at my arms.
It doesn’t matter all that much why I’m irritate. It’s a momentary feeling, a slight one at that, that will pass. I acknowledge it’s there. I don’t have to figure out its multitude of interacting causes. Something it took me stupidly long to figure out:
Being present isn’t about enjoying every moment.
It’s about noticing every moment. That means noticing not just happy, satisfied, contentedness, but irritability, fatigue, sadness, even anger.
It means, letting those emotions into the room, letting them stay, but not serving them tea. I think sometimes, when I over-analyze, it’s a form of serving them tea — letting them take up too much space in my brain. Letting them cloud over the other things that live there.
Side note: I can’t remember where I heard that tea analogy, but it’s not mine. I have latched onto it, though, like an existential blankie.
Sometimes emotions are overwhelming. Sometimes dramatic things happen that overwhelm us with joy or sadness to the point of physical pain; people we love are born, they come and go, people die, and clinical depression exists. That’s okay. But a little minor irritability on a random Thursday doesn’t rank up there with those. It doesn’t need to to wallowed in. It just needs a nod and a wave and an “I see you there.”
I have spent twelve (guessing — didn’t actually count) paragraphs saying all this, which is again, beating the dead horse that is the question, “Why and I annoyed today?”
Side note: “Beating a dead horse” is favorite idiom of mine, but I just now realized how aggressive it is. It’s cousin is “hitting yourself in the head with a hammer because it feels so good when you stop.” So much violence. Well, I’m half Buddha, half Viking, so I guess that tracks. And half wallowing sack of meat, lizard brain being. That’s a lot of halves.
Side side note: I may be a little unfocused along with irritable, as is evidenced by all of these side notes.
The real answer to why I feel discontented today?
I’m a human being, and human beings are sometimes annoyed.
Accepting these minor emotions in that way means they don’t grow into something more overwhelming.
Imagine annoyance as a big green blobby thing trying to push its way in the door. You shove all your weight against it to keep it out, which works for a while. But your strength flags and as it does, annoyance’s strength only seems to grow. Finally, it oozes around the edges, bursts through the door, knocking it from its hinges and flattening you in the process.
But if you just let it in, before you get so tired, before it gets so incredibly intense, it’ll walk in, sit on the couch and complain a little while you nod and say, “yeah, I know. I’m sorry.” Then, it’ll sit there in silence a while before it takes a deep breath, gets up and walks out the back door.
Just passing through.
Acknowledge, don’t serve tea, let is pass through on its own. That’s my recipe for dealing with the standard fleeting emotions of daily life. Sooo, I’m going to stop writing about irritability because it is starting to feel like I AM serving it tea. I’m off to take my own advice, and if you’re dealing with your own pesky emotions today, I wish you luck doing the same. If you fail, if I fail? Remember, it’s a practice. The point is to keep trying.